I’m medicated

I’ve started this post and deleted it 100 times. Sometimes I feel like I’m really good with words and getting my point across. For whatever reason, I can’t seem to get this post to flow. Maybe because it’s the 1^st like really personal thing I have shared.

When Mya was about 1 1/2 I went in to chat with my lady doc. The chat was supposed to be about my nonexistent sex drive (TMI I’m sure, but I told you I would always keep it real). I just didn’t feel normal. What 28 year old is never in the mood? I felt like something was wrong with me. That is where the conversation started.

It suddenly took a sharp turn and I was crying talk about how I constantly think of all these terrible things that could happen to Mya, Nick or even me. Prior to child, I would tell anymore to put me on the fastest, crazies rollercoaster ever. After child, I have road one rollercoaster and thought the entire time I was going to die and Mya was going to grow up without a mom because I decided to go on a thrill ride. My OB, who I just LOVE, just listened as I went on and on about all these terrible things that again, would likely never happen, but in my mind they could happen. Most of my thoughts are off the wall. I would just replay terrible scenarios over and over in my mind all day long. It was exhausting and I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I finally stopped talking and she just said I think we have some anxiety issues going on here? I was like well, now that you point it out… YES? How could I have not realized I was letting anxiety and fear rule my life. I hated leaving the house because 1 something terrible was going to happen and 2 Mya was going to cry in public and I would just be mortified (crazy I know).

I know some people who just don’t want to be on medicine. That is totally okay, I get it, it isn’t for everyone. But I needed a break from my own thoughts. I needed a break from crying every day for NO reason at all. I would cry and literally could not give you a reason why. So I was open to options because prior to this appointment I didn’t think I was anxious or unbalanced, but I was.  I left the doctor’s office that day with an anti-depressant/anxiety prescription.

It has helped me function. I very rarely miss a day. One little thing can set me off and I’m like ah! I haven’t taken my meds yet today. I’m a better mom because of it. I am a better wife because of it. I’m just better because of it! I’m not a zombie by any means and I am on the lowest possibly dose. But it just balances me. I still cry (I am just a crier), but now when I cry I can at least tell you why. I still have crazy off the wall thoughts in my head, but they no longer consume me and my days.

I don’t want to rely on medicine for the rest of my life, but I am happy to know it’s there when I need it.

-The Medicated Momma